I had been planning to go for a fitness bootcamp at 8am. I set my alarm for 6.30 but I woke up at 7.30, I panicked, and ate 2 pieces of bread to give myself some energy. I dressed up but I could not find my gear for bootcamp in my room at all. I was too late when I found my gear (my mum had hidden it in the shoe cabinet!) I was so pissed with myself as I haven't been exercising as much and have been feeling so ugly and fat. I took it out on my sis because I thought she had lost my exercise hair tie.
I've been feeling so stressed and depressed around Mr Limbo worrying about whether my fats were obvious or not and whether he was getting attracted to other girls my age. I always wonder if he gets a hard-on from looking at other hot girls (sometimes I have to stop myself from reaching over to find out). I always wonder everytime he says he's too tired to get turned on, whether it's my fault cos he said I was fat before and I have piled on 6 more kgs. I know he has stopped giving me crap about my weight when he found out that I was upset, but.. the damage has been done. I was really hurt then and I'm hurting really bad now because this issue has not been resolved, even without all the other things he has hurt me with.
Even when I was 14 years old, I was like 14 kgs lighter than I am now but I still looked big. From my past conversations with him, whenever he says a girl is sexy or has a good figure, they tended to be extremely slim girls. Maybe he's attracted to slim girls and I was never his type all along. If so, why torture me by being with me? Why not find someone else? I'm really at breaking point.
The sadder I am, the more I lose motivation.My low mood also made me feel like comfort eating and low in energy. In reality, it is all my fault though, that I am so fat and ugly and undisciplined. My sister offered to cycle while I go for a jog and I waited for her to get ready. She took a while and I was so tired from all the weight pressing on my shoulders and just dozed off in my mum's bed.
I could not stop crying since I woke up. I'm still crying now.. It's been 2 hours. I'm really sick of this weight issue with every single guy I've been with. It didn't matter whether I was 15 kgs lighter than I am now. Every guy had to say something about my weight even though it's such a personal issue. I thought I was stronger now, but Mr Limbo's words have been the most direct and harsh ones, and at the initial dating stages!
I have always thought that, if you really love someone, you will think they look awesome and when you make love, you will think their body is like a goddess. I don't know, at least that's how I feel when I love a guy very much. It hurts to wonder what Mr Limbo actually feels inside about how I look. I don't really feel loved by him. But it doesn't matter anymore, it's ending..
I'm sick of seeing my girl friends (even if they're beautiful already!) feeling suicidal, undergoing painful plastic surgery and bulimia and constantly having battles over food just because they feel so ugly from all that criticism by other guys. I'm sick of doing my best to love the guys I was with and not noticing any physical imperfections while they point out mine. What am I supposed to do? Tease them about it? I've been raised never to look for or to tell other people about their physical imperfections because it's simply not nice.
One of the secretaries at my office who always has something to say about my weight, was laughing at her boss's new wife. The secretary thought the wife was pregnant but found out that she had just gained weight. And you know what, I never noticed that the wife gained weight, she was always thinner than me. And so what if she did?
It's very hard to be positive when everyone around you needs to point out to you how fat you are. My family has told me they're paying $500 to my sis's personal trainer to train me up. Like.. is it really that bad??? When will I find a guy who truly loves me and thinks I look awesome? It never ends. I was pretty happy with how I looked when I was single, because I was taking care of myself, plus there was no one I loved who could criticise me, other than myself. I really hate guys.. even more so now. I would rather not waste my time crying over a guy's insensitive words and just be single forever.
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