I feel like running naked along a crowded street, screaming till my voice gets hoarse, then realise that no one is paying me much attention and then slice my own throat.
For the past couple of days, I was feeling nauseous and Mr Limbo got me a pregnancy kit. The first day, the result was negative. The second time yesterday didn't work. Today, I just got my period. I was relieved but I felt like the stupidest girl in the world. The past few days, I kept thinking of committing suicide if I knew I had a baby. There was no way I could keep it without hurting my family and Mr Limbo's wife and daughter and also without screwing my life up. I wouldn't be a fit mother if I got rid of my baby and didn't die along with my baby. I tried to call Mr Limbo but he's probably with his family so he didn't answer. I've been crying all day. I came to the office to clear some work but stopped because I keep bursting into tears. Shit, now I have to bring my work home when I could have finished earlier today.
I guess it's not his problem and it's mine to bear alone. I let him and this fucked up relationship take over my life. All the secrets I have to keep, all the judging I have to fear, all the things I put up with for him and his family is taking its toll. I know what they say about girls who have physically or verbally abusive fathers and how they keep landing themselves in toxic relationships and situations. I'm already ranked number one among my friends for being randomly fucked up and stupid. I wish I can stop this.
I've become so isolated since I've been with him. Yes, I know he didn't mean to hurt me when he said I was fat. How could he possibly have known that I had a history of major depression and anxiety, that criticism could spiral me back into the horrible cycle again? It's my problem that I'm so sensitive that I could lose all motivation when I was pumped up on my healthy lifestyle before. All the things I achieved at work, regular exercise, regular sleep, salad dinner blah blah all gone out the window. The only way I could stay in this relationship was to shut my mind off from the whole issue of weight loss, pretending that he has no problem with how I look. I would be reminded every time I wanted to exercise or lose weight of what Mr Limbo said. Then I'll cry and stuff myself with good food and watch tv shows till I sleep on the couch at odd hours. All the while pretending that I'm still all right.
I know this all means that I have reverted a little to my depressive state from my university days. I feel fear and self-loathing every time my friends call and want to take me out to socialise or party. I just keep thinking about all the acting I'll have to do, all the clothes I'd have to find to fit my overweight self, all the humour and wit I'd have to use in conversations. It feels so overwhelming and stifling with all the emotional effort. I'm no longer the friendly, fun and confident girl I saw myself to be. I can't believe I'm becoming a hermit again. But there's no school counsellor to help me out now.
It doesn't matter how many times I cry or try to tell my family or Mr Limbo how I feel. It doesn't change a thing. I brought this upon myself. I will stop sharing with anyone from now on.
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