Downturn

I don't know why I let him take so much of my time and brainpower. What I thought was going to be a quick supper and straight back to studies turned into 6 hours of deciding where to go, driving round and round and eating and chatting as if I don't have exams in a few days. I know it's the eve of public holiday for him and he's happy to relax, but for me it's only so many hours of studying left before exams plus I'm so unprepared. I can't keep sleeping at 4am each night like this.

When I sighed, I was stressed out thinking about studies and yet trying to find a suitable place to go where he could eat Halal food. I don't know why he thinks he's right to snap at me because he's tired and throw the ball back at me to choose where to eat at when I could only think of studying. Why must I keep being the driver and organiser? I am so indecisive and I hate indecisive guys. With most guys I dated it was by default the other way around and they would make efforts to think about taking me somewhere nice. I always feel like a guy with him. I hate choosing where to eat with him, cos I usually spend a lot of effort to think about what he would like. Even if I choose, I don't feel like I really have a choice for myself and I will feel so held back and restricted (it's so limited by what he can eat, especially late at night). If I choose a place that has little choices for him, I'll feel bad and if it's too fancy, he would just make snide remarks or worse, throw a tantrum, and spoil my meal. I would much rather eat by myself and enjoy the experience in peace.

I became socially isolated because of him and gave him 8 of my important years for nothing. I'm so fat now, eating crap and not exercising since I recovered from my lung infection and having to study for my exams. I needed words of encouragement and to feel beautiful. He doesn't even disagree when I mention that no matter how fake the Kardashians look, they still look better than me. Wtf. All I could think about today, was the first day 8 years ago when he told me I had a tummy and why couldn't I lose it. I think my worry is true, no normal guy would want to be with a big girl like me no matter what they say.

I know I recently declared to him that I won't confide in him about my sadness anymore, a declaration to which I'm keeping to. Which is good. Because he doesn't have the capacity or time to listen and care, when he can't bloody take care of his own eating and sleeping routine. He used to give me crumbs but now he can't even give me that. The last thing on his mind for the past 8 years was to deal with the elephant in the room: resolving / ending our affair once and for all. It hurts because it is the foremost thing in my mind most times and is the biggest reason why I cry everyday when I'm alone. He has let me down sooo many times, and I didn't raise it because he's always so tired and stressed. Why do I always attract the wrong guys, who never value me and do nothing nearly as much as what I do for them? I deserve better, don't I? It's going to take so much discipline for me to stop contacting him but I really hope I can.

I actually have started an online counsellor relationship, but it's costing me quite a bit each month, so after my exams I will be more interactive and aggressive to get the most out of it. I really do want to improve, lose weight, have a smile on my face, have a social and active life, hopefully meet a good guy who brings me up not down.

Anyway I had better head home to sleep. I'm starting to feel sick and can't afford it before my exams. *pat on my own back for studying for so many hours today*