I don't know anymore. I'm so tired. Of the lies.. the pretending.. Of the imbalance in my life.

I felt like I've been seeing him too much. I didn't wanna see him tonight because I was so mad at myself for keeping him from his family. I couldn't resist calling him after I imagined my potential night alone and we ended up at an Indonesian restaurant together. Food was great. Ate our fill.. I had such a good time talking to him. I wanted to be with him all night. He was too tired though and wanted to have dessert somewhere else before going home.

I was so upset inside. I felt like he didn't care how ugly and fat I felt. I'm so heavy now and getting further away from the weight I was before I started dating him. I drove towards the nearest MRT station to drop him off and head home so I could just comfort myself by watching TV shows. He was annoyed and wanted dessert with me. I felt so cornered and ended up going with him. Felt like he was always getting his way with me. When he wrote down orders for 4 dessert items, I was so pissed... I just couldn't look at him. I cried a little while he ate. I stopped myself soon after I started and we had another lovely chat. I was extremely tired and my eyelids were droopy so I drove him home. I drove right back to my place and cried my eyes out.

I know deep inside that he will never leave his family of his own accord. I've always felt this nagging feeling in my heart but I realise that what we have is not love. It shouldn't make me feel so guilty and pathetic. I feel like my life has been ruined somehow. What we have is something totally destructive and it needs to stop. I don't know when and how, but I hope its soon.Now I'm here watching TV shows and crying till I sleep from exhaustion because I don't wanna think about the hopeless situation I'm in.