Oh.my.gawd..
Did I just end things with my boyfriend of over 6 months??
When my friend L decided not to come out tonight, I went and looked for a short date night with my baby. We ate at one of his favourite local delight restaurants, and hung out for a long while chatting and joking around. We walked just us cuddling, holding hands all the way home along the route that we walked the very first day we got together and it was all so romantic.. On the way, we saw a girl walk by in front of Zouk. She looked okay but her body was really youthful and sexy. He agreed with me that the girl was sexy. I started feeling insecure and he told me that I am attractive and sexy in my own way (he's just trying to make me feel better). I just kept thinking that a girl my age should be at her prime, you know.. be able to wear sleeveless, or a swimsuit... at least have a better body than mine and have a healthier self-image. I just felt so.. CMI.. felt like breaking down there and then but no, I decided not to let my boyfriend hold my hand again. Somehow i lost interest in touching. He respected my wishes. We walked slowly all the way home, bought can drinks from the vending machine beside my pool and laid on the deck chairs. We chatted for a long time in the quiet of the night, just listening to the rush of the water overflowing from the pool. We talked about everything and then when we talked about tomorrow night, I asked what we were going to do for our last day (it was the cut-off date for our relationship). He wanted to do something new and memorable. When I thought about it, I felt like I was happy enough with how the night went already.. and told him that this could be our last night.
I was surprised he didn't protest. He asked me if there was any chance or if anything was different, that would make me agree to marry him. I said no.. and I thought for a while, and said maybe there was one thing. I didn't want to say what it was but he guessed it (I guess it was obvious) - renounce his religion. He asked me why I couldn't just tell him.. but I don't want to make him someone he's not just so we can be together. I had no idea, but I think part of him was half-considering it, and so I told him that I don't think I can be happy with him even if I did marry him. .... which was true.. because being around him makes me feel insecure about my body. I'm not sure if it's just him or most guys that make me feel like that.
It was getting late and I walked him to the taxi stand. After he got in, we waved goodbye to each other, even until the taxi had turned out and all the way until I couldn't see him anymore. I started tearing and went up to see my mum. Showered and it is all starting to sink in (but not all the way yet). I'm just typing this and crying right now. I feel very sad.
I know I will need some time to grieve over the end. I believe this is for the best. But I must say, it was awesome being with him for the past 6 months. I almost thought of him as the One. I do think about what could have been and how much I could love him with all my heart if the circumstances were different, but this is reality. I really do hope he will work things out with his wife again.. maybe even re-ignite the passion with her. I don't want him to suffer just because he can't have me. I will use this grieving period to let myself go before I pick myself up and get back on track. It's okay, I believe I will meet a guy who will be right for me, and he will find me the sexiest woman alive. If I don't, then I still have myself. Let's see how the following days will go...
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