Today's the 3rd day this week that I've been cycling to and from work. I felt good intially.. But now I just feel so hopeless.. I hate how my body needs so much work just so I don't become overweight. I just want to have a normal body.. Everytime I step into a clothing store, I feel like a loser. It feels like absolute crap seeing something you like but knowing that attempting to fit into it just might rip the garment. Everytime I think about how I look, I tear up. I'm so so tired of myself. Shit, I'm crying again. I can't even figure out the other parts of life and I'm still caught up with my weight. I really want to disappear. If I die, I want to leave silently. I got kinda emo at work and messaged my boyfriend that if I die, I don't want to be remembered. He mentioned that after we break up (which is not for another week) he wanted to honour me in romantic ways. I really don't know. Nothing will make me happier than to be someone else (normal.. not dysfunctional). Why would I want to have something special named after me?
Anyway, work was okay.. We had dinner at a nearby Chinese restaurant which had tasty food. ...Sigh.. I'm feeling guilty already. I stayed in my boss's room going through every single file in her room until 10pm. Well, at least now I know what's the status of most of the active files. I cycled home but rushed, because I didn't have my armband flashing lights with me.
I'm watching White Collar again. Hmm.. I guess I would have to say my favourite character from the show is Maz. He's so cute, the short bald nerdy chubby guy who is acutely aware of his imperfections and marvels at every new technology for spyware, paper and gem forgery. He's just so funny, shy, obsessive, smart, loyal and sensitive. He's behind-the-scenes but sticks out oddly from the rest of the show's well-sculpted tall and sexy cast.
I'm supposed to pack for tomorrow's flight.. I'm too tired..
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