It's 12.45pm on Sunday, and I have not done anything at all this weekend except to sit on my couch, watching Fringe episodes and constantly dozing off. I hardly eat or clean or even stand up, let alone do something useful. I just totally wasted my weekend.

There could be a million better things I could be doing now. Walking around practising my photography skills, exercise, join a club, enjoy some food maybe even a slice of pie, cook something, read something, learn something, find a new job, whatever. Point is, I'm useless and I have no energy or desire to do anything. Normal people look forward to the weekend. But I don't. I keep crying for no reason and I feel like I'm all alone.

This thing with Mr New, I don't know how to end it. Whenever I'm with him, I feel so happy.. I feel like there is nothing else that matters in this world. I wanna cuddle him tight and not let go. Everytime I'm with him, I feel my love is growing, or at least I embrace the love I have. But then by the time he has to go back to his family, I get all depressed cos I feel abandoned and I'm hurting so much. Whenever it's late at night or on the weekends when contacting him is kinda off limits, I feel my chest hurt and I get headaches. It hurts a lot.. that whatever we have is a lie.. And so whenever we're apart, I suppress my feelings and convince myself I don't love him. I come up with any reasons to push him away when I'm not with him so I won't hurt or miss him till the point of disrupting his time with his family. Only I can protect myself cos there is no one else to protect me.. That's the only way I can keep on going through life without breaking down but it's driving me crazy, this whole cycle of loving him and not loving him. I don't know.. I don't like my life. I feel pathetic and ugly.