I'm supposedly trying to read up on my research for my upcoming presentation. FYI, I'm deathly afraid of public speaking. I just turn up in a blubbering mess every time. Oh gosh.. hope I can really get this over with.
I mentioned in my last post about my inability to cry. The last time I did was two weekends ago, when I was talking to my friend M. I was distancing myself from him because we had a really special connection and we were getting too close. I couldn't bring myself to tell him why. It hurt a lot and he was pretty upset at my coldness. But I felt it was necessary. I find that I depended on him a lot and this was not helping me especially when we are in different countries pursuing different things.
Since then, I've been feeling pretty guilty and alone. It wasn't helping my depression. There were plenty of moments when I wanted to cry but just couldn't. It really bothered me. However~ this afternoon I took a break to watch a Japanese anime, Whispers of the Heart (mimi wo sumaseba) by Studio Ghibli. There was so much sweet, youthful optimism in it that I just burst into tears. I really surprised myself. But I'm glad I finally let it all out.
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