Downturn

I don't know why I let him take so much of my time and brainpower. What I thought was going to be a quick supper and straight back to studies turned into 6 hours of deciding where to go, driving round and round and eating and chatting as if I don't have exams in a few days. I know it's the eve of public holiday for him and he's happy to relax, but for me it's only so many hours of studying left before exams plus I'm so unprepared. I can't keep sleeping at 4am each night like this.

When I sighed, I was stressed out thinking about studies and yet trying to find a suitable place to go where he could eat Halal food. I don't know why he thinks he's right to snap at me because he's tired and throw the ball back at me to choose where to eat at when I could only think of studying. Why must I keep being the driver and organiser? I am so indecisive and I hate indecisive guys. With most guys I dated it was by default the other way around and they would make efforts to think about taking me somewhere nice. I always feel like a guy with him. I hate choosing where to eat with him, cos I usually spend a lot of effort to think about what he would like. Even if I choose, I don't feel like I really have a choice for myself and I will feel so held back and restricted (it's so limited by what he can eat, especially late at night). If I choose a place that has little choices for him, I'll feel bad and if it's too fancy, he would just make snide remarks or worse, throw a tantrum, and spoil my meal. I would much rather eat by myself and enjoy the experience in peace.

I became socially isolated because of him and gave him 8 of my important years for nothing. I'm so fat now, eating crap and not exercising since I recovered from my lung infection and having to study for my exams. I needed words of encouragement and to feel beautiful. He doesn't even disagree when I mention that no matter how fake the Kardashians look, they still look better than me. Wtf. All I could think about today, was the first day 8 years ago when he told me I had a tummy and why couldn't I lose it. I think my worry is true, no normal guy would want to be with a big girl like me no matter what they say.

I know I recently declared to him that I won't confide in him about my sadness anymore, a declaration to which I'm keeping to. Which is good. Because he doesn't have the capacity or time to listen and care, when he can't bloody take care of his own eating and sleeping routine. He used to give me crumbs but now he can't even give me that. The last thing on his mind for the past 8 years was to deal with the elephant in the room: resolving / ending our affair once and for all. It hurts because it is the foremost thing in my mind most times and is the biggest reason why I cry everyday when I'm alone. He has let me down sooo many times, and I didn't raise it because he's always so tired and stressed. Why do I always attract the wrong guys, who never value me and do nothing nearly as much as what I do for them? I deserve better, don't I? It's going to take so much discipline for me to stop contacting him but I really hope I can.

I actually have started an online counsellor relationship, but it's costing me quite a bit each month, so after my exams I will be more interactive and aggressive to get the most out of it. I really do want to improve, lose weight, have a smile on my face, have a social and active life, hopefully meet a good guy who brings me up not down.

Anyway I had better head home to sleep. I'm starting to feel sick and can't afford it before my exams. *pat on my own back for studying for so many hours today*

Crying isn't going to make it go away..

It's been a while since I last posted. Nothing much has changed except that I'm doing long distance with Mr Limbo now and my heart is weary from the secrecy and disappointment. 

It would be nice if I could meet someone just right for me. But first I have to let go of this one.

Easter Sunday Nightmare

What a nightmare. I dreamt that I just discovered I had carried a baby almost to full term while I was on a firm trip to Bandung Indonesia.

I had smoked some previous nights at a pub restaurant and also on my firm trip. I panicked with the sudden possibility that I had hurt my baby. The tap water there was very unsanitary and I was praying very hard not to give birth on the trip.

I felt so alone and my colleagues kept judging me and teasing me about my illegitimate baby. I was under a lot of stress and confusion. I regretted allowing him to have unprotected sex with me. I dwelled in my self-loathing and wondered to myself whether to give up the baby and to whom. Mr Limbo flew over to see me and appeared so happy and excited.

My baby started kicking inside me and all i felt was extreme sadness and regret while others marveled. Then I started feeling pain and movement in my womb and pelvis and I realized that I was about to give birth. I panicked in my disappointment not to even be able to protect my own baby from such an unsanitary environment. And.. That was my nightmare though I highly doubt that I have an inkling of what it would feel like to be pregnant.

I don't know anymore. I'm so tired. Of the lies.. the pretending.. Of the imbalance in my life.

I felt like I've been seeing him too much. I didn't wanna see him tonight because I was so mad at myself for keeping him from his family. I couldn't resist calling him after I imagined my potential night alone and we ended up at an Indonesian restaurant together. Food was great. Ate our fill.. I had such a good time talking to him. I wanted to be with him all night. He was too tired though and wanted to have dessert somewhere else before going home.

I was so upset inside. I felt like he didn't care how ugly and fat I felt. I'm so heavy now and getting further away from the weight I was before I started dating him. I drove towards the nearest MRT station to drop him off and head home so I could just comfort myself by watching TV shows. He was annoyed and wanted dessert with me. I felt so cornered and ended up going with him. Felt like he was always getting his way with me. When he wrote down orders for 4 dessert items, I was so pissed... I just couldn't look at him. I cried a little while he ate. I stopped myself soon after I started and we had another lovely chat. I was extremely tired and my eyelids were droopy so I drove him home. I drove right back to my place and cried my eyes out.

I know deep inside that he will never leave his family of his own accord. I've always felt this nagging feeling in my heart but I realise that what we have is not love. It shouldn't make me feel so guilty and pathetic. I feel like my life has been ruined somehow. What we have is something totally destructive and it needs to stop. I don't know when and how, but I hope its soon.Now I'm here watching TV shows and crying till I sleep from exhaustion because I don't wanna think about the hopeless situation I'm in.

Why do I feel so alone when he says he loves me?

I feel like running naked along a crowded street, screaming till my voice gets hoarse, then realise that no one is paying me much attention and then slice my own throat.

For the past couple of days, I was feeling nauseous and Mr Limbo got me a pregnancy kit. The first day, the result was negative. The second time yesterday didn't work. Today, I just got my period. I was relieved but I felt like the stupidest girl in the world. The past few days, I kept thinking of committing suicide if I knew I had a baby. There was no way I could keep it without hurting my family and Mr Limbo's wife and daughter and also without screwing my life up. I wouldn't be a fit mother if I got rid of my baby and didn't die along with my baby. I tried to call Mr Limbo but he's probably with his family so he didn't answer. I've been crying all day. I came to the office to clear some work but stopped because I keep bursting into tears. Shit, now I have to bring my work home when I could have finished earlier today.

I guess it's not his problem and it's mine to bear alone. I let him and this fucked up relationship take over my life. All the secrets I have to keep, all the judging I have to fear, all the things I put up with for him and his family is taking its toll. I know what they say about girls who have physically or verbally abusive fathers and how they keep landing themselves in toxic relationships and situations. I'm already ranked number one among my friends for being randomly fucked up and stupid. I wish I can stop this.

I've become so isolated since I've been with him. Yes, I know he didn't mean to hurt me when he said I was fat. How could he possibly have known that I had a history of major depression and anxiety, that criticism could spiral me back into the horrible cycle again? It's my problem that I'm so sensitive that I could lose all motivation when I was pumped up on my healthy lifestyle before. All the things I achieved at work, regular exercise, regular sleep, salad dinner blah blah all gone out the window. The only way I could stay in this relationship was to shut my mind off from the whole issue of weight loss, pretending that he has no problem with how I look. I would be reminded every time I wanted to exercise or lose weight of what Mr Limbo said. Then I'll cry and stuff myself with good food and watch tv shows till I sleep on the couch at odd hours. All the while pretending that I'm still all right.

I know this all means that I have reverted a little to my depressive state from my university days. I feel fear and self-loathing every time my friends call and want to take me out to socialise or party. I just keep thinking about all the acting I'll have to do, all the clothes I'd have to find to fit my overweight self, all the humour and wit I'd have to use in conversations. It feels so overwhelming and stifling with all the emotional effort. I'm no longer the friendly, fun and confident girl I saw myself to be. I can't believe I'm becoming a hermit again. But there's no school counsellor to help me out now.

It doesn't matter how many times I cry or try to tell my family or Mr Limbo how I feel. It doesn't change a thing. I brought this upon myself. I will stop sharing with anyone from now on.

It felt very weird breaking up with Mr Limbo by phone messenger. I was so upset and threw a huge tantrum but at least I got it all off my chest.

It's quite all right for now.. I'm just keeping busy helping my parents and enjoying the local food and mostly mum's cooking and gymming. I rarely have time to be by myself except when I'm about to sleep. I miss Mr Limbo so much but I need to control myself now. Just keep telling myself he's not worth it.

Its gonna be hard when I go back to Singapore. I'll have to cope alone. Ill be touching down with no one to acknowledge my arrival.. I tried to watch some movies on my computer today but after 10 minutes through each of them, I just stop watching because I downloaded them to share with him. What a challenge to be by myself again. I wish I can cuddle him and watch movies on my sofa.. I wonder if I could propose doing that without sex or even kissing and not actually dating. Hmmmm... Better not. He's still married after all.

What a nightmare

I dreamt that I was so sick of being with Mr Limbo and all the empty promises and thought that I would try to get out of it. I then got "attracted" to some guy the total opposite of Mr Limbo.. Super buff with gigantic arms and pecs (I dunno why a white blonde guy) with a strong jaw, a haircut a bit longer than a crew cut.. He had an angry face but was very tender to me. The big catch was that he was the son of a very powerful and heartless media mogul.

During the course of my new relationship with this guy, he revealed to me that he was a very distrusting person with an unloving family. The thing he could not stand for was betrayal. I found out that he had murdered his previous comrades for pissing him off. I still loved him very much as he kept wooing me with crazy extravagant gifts and experiences.

At around the same time as my fear of my new boyfriend started, Mr Limbo was also missing me, showing up to woo me back. I got weak and allowed him to kiss me. Eventually I took comfort in Mr Limbo's good natured loving and calmness. I met up with him secretly by a rocky cliff just to see him and to hold each other. Although I found it difficult to quit Mr Limbo for all the times and security he gave me, I found myself falling even more in love with the new guy as he confided in me and became more trusting in me. However, my fear of him kept growing.

Suddenly there were 2 women who showed up when I was alone. They looked like very classy spies from a feminist government agency. They came to warn me that one of my friends who I had confided about my infidelity wanted to be with my very powerful and famous new boyfriend as she was struggling with her finances and would resort to exposing my secret affair with Mr Limbo.

After that I was scheduled to meet up with my new boyfriend in his mansion. Suddenly, in comes the so-called girl friend of mine and starts whispering furiously into his ear. I could see the hurt and confusion in his face. He looked grave and silent. I felt so helpless and was in cold sweat.

Behind me in the room was a wall that suddenly opened up. A secret door was revealed with the 2 female agents that were beckoning for me to escape through a secret passageway. I walked through it but was hesitant. I kept begging them to let me go back to the room and explain myself to my boyfriend. They refused to let me. I couldn't believe what was going on. Suddenly, Mr Limbo appeared around a corner and told me to follow him. It appeared that he and the 2 agents were working together. In my confusion, I begged him to let me see my boyfriend one last time. Mr Limbo said that there was no way I could explain my betrayal to such a violent guy and I had better run before he killed me. I begged saying ok I just want to let him know I love him. Mr Limbo forbade me. All the guilt, fear and confusion was too much and I couldn't believe that my boyfriend would hurt me so easily. I ran back to the secret door and shouted to him that I loved him. Mr Limbo pulled me away. During my struggle with Mr Limbo, my boyfriend started shaking his head menacingly slow. His hurt and confused face changed dramatically to a crazy murderous look. His thin lips curled up into a mad snarl. Mr Limbo finally managed to pull me away and I got into flight mode.

The secret passageway led to the lobby of one of the media mogul's exquisite hotels. The moment I got into the lobby, I spotted my boyfriend too late. He tackled me to the ground and I struggled free. I managed to run about 5 meters when he called out to me. I turned and he had his gun aimed at me. His face an array of anger and pain.

I was ready to surrender to my fate when I heard a gunshot. Blood spilled out from his torso. The 2 agents had shot at him. He fell to the floor and was helped up by his men and rushed off into hiding.

The 2 agents and Mr Limbo (i wonder where he was the whole time?) came over to me in a big group hug of relief before we made our way across the extremely vast lobby (it was like a desert). As we were reaching the exit, I saw a group of men dressed like maintenance or service crew walking toward the exit as well. One of them was wearing a mask or a beard of some sort. I was struck by the solemnness of the group of men and as I stared, I looked into the eyes of the masked/bearded man and we stared hard.. His eyes looked very familiar. I saw him reaching for something and instinctively I snatched one of the agents' guns and fired several times in his direction. The man fell, with the disguise revealing that it was my boyfriend. He stayed down and I knew I was free.

I ended up in prison because of the media mogul's extremely well paid lawyers. I became very lean and mean. Lol.. I was queen of the prison. Eventually I got released but chose to stay single. I cut my hair in a short bob and dyed it moss green. I had piercings everywhere. My days as queen of prison led me to a singing contract(??) (i got infamous because of my ex-murderer image) I ended up in a music video standing at the bottom of a cliff just above the sea singing.. Singing til I woke up.