Okay, so I was looking forward to spending the evening with Mr Limbo tonight as my family was out of town. I defrosted prawns in the fridge so I could surprise him with some homemade garlic prawns or something something. Anyway, I rushed off to work and started feeling bogged down with work and got a little depressed. I took it out on him saying I didn't feel good and didn't wanna hang out. He said okay and then made a work appointment instead. When I found out over lunch, I was upset because now he has blocked all our (potential) plans. This was my fault though and I acknowledge that I was being immature.
After work we chatted over the phone and he offered to come see me for a bit but I just felt so frustrated and told him I was sick of being his mistress. I was just sick of hurting, of feeling alienated at work, of not having him come home to me at night, of having to manage my life so I could hide our relationship and losing balance in my life and of all the guilt. I told him everything and I told him that the deadline I fixed on 15 September was really important to me so I could know how much of his own initiative he would take to leave his family and how much he loved me.
He told me that he wouldn't leave if I didn't promise to marry him. Marry him?? When we have been sneaking around for 6 months and coping with a double life? How the hell would I know if I want to marry him? He has seen all of me as a single girl but I have not known him as an available man. And he said he sacrificed a lot to be with me. Hello? I made a lot of sacrifices too. I could just go off with any other guy my age who has no baggage and can give me all the time that he has. Even if such a guy didn't love me as much, at least I know it would be going somewhere.
I feel that Mr Limbo is saying what I want to hear so that I will stick around. I mean, I don't believe that he will really consider renouncing his religion and I only have his word to trust when he says he no longer sleeps with his wife. Blah blah blah.. ahh I feel sick now.
I told him all this before and that he would have to think about being single in case we don't work out and so he won't just run back to his wife afterwards.
I spent an hour crying on the phone with my girl friend. She told me that the biggest problem was the fact that he's married, and he needs to sort that out first. After that, whether or not he ends up with me is really besides the point.
I asked my other girl friend what if her boyfriend teased her about her weight in the early stages, and she told me that she would tell him to fuck off because then he isn't accepting her for who she is. Hmm... food for thought.
What's going to happen now? What about all the activities I planned out? What about all the vouchers I bought for us to try? What about the tv shows and movies I've been meaning to share with him? What about the outfits I planned to wear for him when I lose weight?
Anyway, no need to think so much anymore. I am sorry about some of the things I said to him in my emotional state. But he made his position clear, that he would rather have a shell marriage than be single. So okay, I guess that's just that then.
After I stopped crying, I pigged out on a juicy steak and calmed myself down. I realised that it's never going to happen. One deadline was enough. It is really always going to be about the wife and the kid and the religion. Better now than later. I will not revisit such issues again.
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