My week of bursting into self-pitying tears

Thursday


After work, I picked Mr Limbo up and rushed in peak hour traffic to watch One Day. I enjoyed running  together hand in hand towards the cinema. It was the first time I sat in a couple seat. It was very romantic, just cuddling and occasional kissing. The movie was okay. But, I had a lot of blood in my urine and after the movie, we had a pretty yummy exploration of Old Airport Road Food Centre (No. 51 beancurd!!) before going to Raffles Hospital to check out what was wrong with me. Turns out I had a Urinary Tract Infection. I was so sleepy and weak from all that blood and pain whenever I peed and it was so nice and reassuring to have Mr Limbo there to wait with me and make me feel safe and un-alone.


Friday


I was feeling very weak and giddy at work to rush on something. I got an MC from Raffles Hospital so I just took the afternoon off. It was a really nice pre-weekend break with Mr Limbo accompanying me at home cuddling. I cooked a surprisingly nice meal for Mr Limbo. I made Shimeji mushrooms pan-fried in spicy cod roe, scallop wrapped in beef slices together with garlic mayo dip and pan-fried crispy salmon in with diced tomatoes and herbs. I think Mr Limbo liked it. We relaxed the rest of the day and it was beautiful except I had to see him go once again. I went to sleep feeling so upset and abandoned. I thought of my grandma who was in ICU.

Saturday



I woke up with my dad whatsapping me a photo and video of my heavily sedated grandma and I didn't know what to say. I have never seen my fiesty and naggy grandma look so pale and weak before. I felt like life was really short and fragile. My dad asked me to help look at his rough draft of her will and I tried to amend it myself but found myself crying. Without realising it, I called Mr Limbo and asked for his help on writing a will and he spent a long time on the phone with me. He was very helpful but really, I just wanted to hear his voice and wanted to make him stay on the phone with me. I felt so depressed and complained to him about life and just cried. He sounded busy and ended the call. I rushed off to my old classmate's wedding and put on my entire makeup, even eyeshadow but completely forgot about the most important parts - the eyeliner and mascara!!!

It was the first time I had attended a wedding in an auditorium of a school. It was a very religious ceremony with lots of hymn singing and worship led by the bride and groom themselves. The bride was beautiful in a sexy backless dress, she was marrying someone who was as religious as her.

I just burst into tears because everyone around me was getting somewhere and I wasn't. I thought of my grandma and how she was suffering and I thought of the bride and how happy she was and how everyone seemed to have a place in this world. I had no idea what I was doing living like a zombie, being in a job I am overqualified for yet not having any particular goals, being with a man who turns my life upside down and yet still doesn't belong to me, being in a family that I hate and love, having a body which I try to love but feel like I should hate because everyone says so. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like pushing everyone away. I had also been feeling extremely frustrated with Mr Limbo who seemed to disregard my needs in order to not lose his family. I bet he said the same stuff at his wedding, that he vowed to be with his wife for the rest of his life. I came to the conclusion that he never was right for me and messaged him to ask if we could end it.

After the exchange of vows, we had to head down to the school's canteen for the reception and that's when I met pretty much the entire class. Everyone had grown so beautifully and could wear such beautiful clothes and seemed so sure of themselves. I felt so inferior.

I used to have a clique in secondary school of about 7 girls and we used to plan and do everything together. But at the reception, it was like I was no longer a part of the clique. They got their own table.. they just smiled at me and joked around among themselves.  I wore a necklace that the clique had gotten for my 17th birthday when I was visiting Singapore from Melbourne. But... the girls looked at my necklace blankly and had no idea that they had bought it for me and for what occasion, even though I tried to tell them. I was feeling extremely hurt.. but I guess people forget about you when you're away from a group too long. It's also my fault though because I've been so obsessed with Mr Limbo and haven't made much efforts to rebuild my relationship with the clique.

It was good that some of my other classmates whom I wasn't really close to had made efforts to include me. Some of the girls who had come back from overseas seemed a bit out of place and about half the class organised an after-wedding dinner. We met up again for a fun dinner at a Thai restaurant in Dempsey Hill which gave out free flaming whole chickens for birthday people and had an amazing band. The only downside was I think they used peanuts on everything and I was feeling extremely itchy and had a headache. Luckily I didn't break out in hives and go into anaphylactic shock and end up warded in the nearby Gleneagles. I learnt something new when I told the girls that I had a UTI. They told me it could be because I have had too much sex without going to pee enough.

We planned to go clubbing at this Thai pub near my house. Before clubbing, I went with a girl to her workplace party and it was really great. She was working over her term holidays at a hostel and I got to meet people from all over the world and they were all very friendly and around my age. We were very overdressed in our wedding cocktail dresses though (and my shawl!).

Two of my ex-classmates got to the club first and had been so excited about clubbing but were sorely disappointed when everyone else pang seh'd them. I quickly walked over with my friend so it was the 4 of us with a bottle of Martell in a Thai pub. The performance was quite entertaining though, sexy and fun but not trampy. Bit scary and weird though cos of Halloween. Despite my sweet puffy cocktail dress and sparkly satin heels, I did some very mean shuffling with my butch friend. The other 2 girls weren't really dancers but they tried their best to shake their asses and got a lot of guys' attention. It was really fun and it took my mind off everything. I drank so much, I went and puked in the toilet but luckily I was still very conscious and aware. I had not had a proper girls' night out since last year.

Sunday/Today

I had let one of the girls stay over and it was really nice waking up to have a western-style breakfast with a peer. I didn't really feel so lonely this morning. I sent her home at Yio Chu Kang before I attended a barista course. It was really awesome learning how to make my very own cafe latte. It tasted so much like the ones I had in Melbourne. I was really surprised at how complex the process could get, and how the quality of the ingredients and the process really mattered and it takes a real perfectionist to keep pumping out such beautiful cups of coffee. I think I had an espresso overload though from all that tasting. 

Spoke to my parents on the phone and they were in a very sombre mood and told me to eat light and have a healthy lifestyle. I guess they are very worried about my grandma right now. 

I went to meet my friend's dad who was visiting Singapore so that I could pass something from my friend in Melbourne. I cycled because I thought I could kill 2 birds with one stone instead of sitting on my ass and driving all day. I ended up quite sweaty and met him at his family friend's studio. It was my first time meeting him and he was trying very hard to be friendly. He was very macho and went through great training and he saw me in my gym clothes and said I had so much fat around my tummy and tried to teach me exercises to lose weight. I was feeling extremely vulnerable and awkward but just kept on smiling. He kept making me feel his iron muscles. After that, I excused myself and cycled towards my house, crying. By the time I had reached my usual supermarket, I stopped crying, and bought some pork ribs to take home and make bah kut teh for tomorrow's breakfast. I screwed up my knee from all that cycling.

I was so irritated at myself for having to ask Mr Limbo if we could end it when I could have just made the decision myself. I messaged to tell him my decision. He replied that my conversation with him yesterday had cost him his bonding time with his daughter who he had promised to spend time with and he was pissed about me breaking up with him when he had helped with my grandma's will. I felt very bad and sorry that I had interrupted his family time and I told him that.. But it really hurt that he phrased it like that. Why not just stick with his family and not pursue me in the first place? I'm totally okay if he does that. Why is it that I interrupted his life, as if I'm just the "other" or secondary life???

Enough is enough. It's not fair that I have to yearn for him and watch him head home to another woman. I've been as stupidly loyal as I can be. He can say whatever he wants about how he loves me more than his wife and is just staying for his daughter, but the bottom line is that he's not budging and that says everything about how much he really cares for me and my sanity.  I didn't want to fight with him and just told him I can't do it anymore. I'm so vulnerable and there are so many issues I still can't resolve with him because there is always lack of time and understanding even though we talk a lot. We're just too busy having sex and getting physical and hanging out to deal with the core issues. If you ask me, I think we have been having a shell relationship.

 If I let him have his marriage, shell or not... I don't have to worry anymore. I can forget about the painful past 8 months and just focus on myself. I can finally meet someone worthy of my love and most likely I won't have to feel like an outsider or embarrassing secret again.

Chinese food really takes so long to boil sometimes. Boiled it for 2 hours and kept thinking about the amount of gas I used. I cooked some sausage together with Japanese mushrrooms stirfried in spicy cod roe for dinner. The sausage tasted very old and smelly but I ate it anyway. Had a tummy ache after dinner but it's subsided now. I spent the last 3 hours crying and getting thirsty now. Sigh.. I better store my bah kut teh for tomorrow and go to sleep now. I haven't even started on the research I was supposed to do. My head is hurting.