Make it stop.

I'm so pathetic.. Lunch was with my very genius friend who is great at investments and strategy and got headhunted into top positions at MNCs even though he's younger than me. And then there was an Indian dude, who is v cocky but on his way to be a doctor the moment his ns finishes. And my girl friend, who the Indian dude used to call stupid but is now a lawyer in one of the top firms in Singapore. They all seemed so happy, accomplished and stable and had all this witty things to say. I felt so inferior and just popped in not more than 5 lines during the 2 hour lunch.

Went for squash in the evening with my sis, my godbrother, my sis's ex and her ex-colleague.. I played some good games with my godbro.. The only problem was my level of fitness. Thank goodness I only lost to him. As we were sharing 2 courts, sometimes I politely declined to play so that others could play more. Then my sis and godbro kept criticizing me for bein lazy. I then remembered that my godbro used to tell me that I needed to lose 16 kgs to look presentable. And after we were all done he said I was lazy one more time and I couldn't take it.. I started tearing. My sis wanted to organize dinner plans with us but I was so unwilling. And she laughed at me for crying and I just said it's cos my back hurt (it's half true though, my back n knee hurt like crazy). I really feel very ugly, CMI and inferior.

I think my godbro felt I was pissed about something and put his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder. On the way to dinner, I kept tearin for 10 minutes while I was sitting in the back of my sis's ex's car alone.

I had a light dinner, fish ball soup with bean threads, so that I wouldn't be criticized anymore.

In my head, I was planning how I could just terminate my stupid existence. If I wanted to die by carbon monoxide poisoning, I will need to measure the length of a rubber tubing to connect my exhaust gas into my window. But.. It's my sister's car.. And which carpark will I do it at? I don't want to give any public locations bad business with my death.

Now I'm hiding in my mum's room, sobbing like hell and typing this all out with shaking hands. My sis is showering n her ex is busy playing guitar and singing oasis's stand by me. I guess I better stop crying before they find something amiss.