Angry bitter heartache

I'm trying to get to sleep after watching a tasteless movie, grandma's boy, with my sis's ex (can't believe he loves it).

I can't stop thinking about Mr Limbo. When will I get my closure? I want to forget about everything that happened between us. I've been so blind. Why can't a guy who says he's crazy about you be able to risk being single forever to be with you just so that you can finally feel sane and secure... Feel like u r really worth it and u weren't really a cheap monster all along. Why would a guy who says all those sweet things and writes me such beautiful SMSes prefer to stay with his family and run the risk of losing me? Did he prefer dumping me than risking his own loneliness? I don't see any real love anywhere. I can't believe his words now. I'm sure he loves me to some extent but it's nowhere enough. I think he knows that and just doesn't want to admit it to me. He should know that i can't treat him seriously if he's still an unavailable married man.

Why the hell would i want to jump from a secret unofficial relationship to marriage? I have to go thru a normal relationship with him first before i know if i want to marry him. Forcing me to give my hand in marriage when he hasn't given me anything official or earned my trust is really.. Selfish! If a relationship should be between a single man and a single woman in order to have any sort of future, then what the hell were we doing? Just a fling? "yea baby ur awesome but what ur asking for sounds like too much work for too little benefit.. I might just head back to my wife now, it's been fun knowing you but I rather be with her than not at all. I love you though, especially when we're having sex".. Yup.. Sounds like a fling to me.

I did not have to risk my sanity or career or stability or reputation or happiness to be with him, of all guys. I wonder if he ever realized how much easier it would have been for me if I rejected him in the beginning, which I should have done.

I really want him to stop hurting me. I don't want to think of myself as his toy anymore. I'm sick of understanding what he's going through when he cant understand for me how painful it has been for me. Weekends hurt a lot!! I even understood him having sex with both his wife and me, for fuck's sake! Shit now I feel like such a slut. Even if I'm a slut, it would be better to sleep with a stranger than do a married man. Will jumping into bed with a stranger get me over Mr Limbo? Okay enough abt the slut thing, I feel horrible enough.

I can't stop crying everytime I think about him. I feel so rejected. I miss him so much. I feel so sorry for his wife that I distracted his heart when it all ended up in nothing. I think I might be going crazy. All i wanted was for him to make sure that i was really what he wanted. Now I must accept that his answer is NO. Someone please erase all my memories of him. Now I regret giving my heart to him.

I've been crying for over an hour now. That makes it over 3 hours of crying today. I hope I can cut it down soon.