Whoaa

Mmm I'm groggy.. Slept about 10 and just woke up at 2.30 to prepare for my presentation. I think I just might head down to a 24 hr Starbucks to make sure I don't just fall right back to sleep.

After a really bad day of work with my boss being very snappy to me, she talked to me and she told me how she thought I could improve in my work.

Unexpectedly she started telling me how bad she felt that she had pushed me away when I had called her up earlier for an emergency situation. She had bought the office some donuts and she told me they were actually for me. She asked for my forgiveness as she was very harsh and stressed out from trying to balance herself. When she asked me what she could do to repay me, I started crying. I told her that i was trying to deal with her backlog and even I have some personal problems as well and I hoped she could understand if I appear to be struggling.

I got really emotional and she told me that she had heard about Mr Limbo and asked about him. I was a little surprised because I had been making extra efforts not to let her know. She said that she doesn't judge me and that I could have told her earlier but it appears that everyone didn't want to tell her cos she had been cheated on. She told me that unlike the 3rd party in her situation, she trusted my character to know that I didn't do manipulative and bitchy things to keep Mr Limbo and hurt his wife.

She sat me down and told me she knew I must have been hurting. She listened to my story and I told her my frustrations. She advised me that in a 3rd party situation, I shouldn't be relying solely on his romantic words and actions. That I should only think about myself and to protect myself. She knows how difficult it is for a girl like me to be with a guy from such a different background. But she knows that he is a nice guy and its easy for me to fall for him.

She told me that if there is something I wanted from him and I already laid out my cards on the table, then I don't need to settle for less. It was okay to be up and down but if the major reason why I fell for him and why I couldn't leave was because I was vulnerable and lonely, then I could always hang out with her and her friends. She spoke a lot and I cried a lot, until like 7.30.

I agreed with her that if by now he couldn't make a decision, it just means that he loves both his wife and me, but not as much as himself. I realise this would be obvious from a 3rd party point of view as I used to tell the same thing to my two-timing friends. I told her my position is very clear, that I love him very much but I will try to move on even if I get weak sometimes.

I did after all, give him an ultimatum (with advanced notice) and for whatever reason it is, he does not want to do that for me. No matter how if we still meet up and get intimate, I have already given up trusting him.

Either way, I did feel like the load which has been pressing heavily on my brain and my shoulders has lightened a bit.

It's funny how, after I made my decision on Monday, that I can feel the love goggles start to come off.. I am starting to see our relationship as borderline dysfunctional and the foundation was mostly based on words and physical intimacy. There were many things I was unhappy about and I buried it cos I loved him and wanted to believe him. Now I really should find my happiness somewhere else.

By the time I got home, I felt so drained from all the crying, I just made a simple dinner and watched a new tv show called Person of Interest by JJ Abrams until 9.30. It was awesome. I was too tired so I slept. Got about.. 4 hours of sleep? Not too bad I guess. All right, maybe I should dress up and go. It's 3.30 now. I feel better now. :)