This is quite upsetting... Before I could write all about how I was falling head over heels for Mr New... Our love affair has ended pretty abruptly, about a month and a half. This is quite unfortunate eh?
Well.. here it goes... I met up with him for a while after work last night. We shared an ice cream and sat at the steps along the river. I wasn't really paying attention to the surroundings. We were happily cuddling and anyone could see we were really missing each other after the weekend apart. We held hands while he walked me home. My parents were in town and he had an appointment afterwards. I remember we had this really beautiful kiss that was so tender and slow. But right afterwards he said he had to go.. and I broke down.. thinking that I wasn't satisfied with having to be the other woman.
I just felt so frustrated and selfish. I did know that this was coming. I've been telling my smoke buddy that I was at breaking point for over a week now, what with having only business hours + a few afterwork hours to message/talk/meet.
I had been so in love with him and trying to accept our situation but lately I was getting quite cranky and saw a bleak future for us. So I told him that I wanted to end it. I guess he was shocked at the suddenness but he accepted it. I kinda regret telling him some stuff which I had been holding back for a long time now. I really didn't want to end it but what was I supposed to do? Let things escalate, and then what? Have lots of sex? And then? I don't know. It was all too confusing.
We tried to talk over the phone today (I missed him too much) and I got really emo and whiney. I think he got quite sick of talking also. I was pushing him to make a decision and he has agreed to call it quits. I think it's great because he can now focus on his wife and daughter. It hurt really badly though. I dearly wish I could believe that he loved me truly and I know he tried hard to convince me. But I just don't feel more than a good distraction. Does it really matter though? Either way it ends. I wish I could have him right now and cuddle again. I want to get him an eletronic present. He wants to keep a promise with me to stay at this beautiful hotel (he can't stay overnight of course)... He just asked me to say yes or no to this final proposal. I really want to, I really wish to say yes but there's just too many BUTs.
But 1: We haven't had sex yet and so technically we haven't levelled up on hurting his family yet.
But 2: I don't want to hold him back further. What if we feel even more connected thru sex? Then it'll be even harder to let go.
But 3: My eczema and really ugly V on top of my weight is making me feel super ugly naked. I'm not sure I'll be comfortable.
But 4: We're supposed to be over. I kept calling him weak. But I'm so weak man.
I don't know.. Do the Buts make my yes a "no"? I dont know, I'm dozing off already. Let's talk about this later.
No comments:
Post a Comment