Temptation/thrill/love?

(I backdated this post because I'm too lazy to rewrite the whole timeline so I copied and pasted from my email to my best mate in Indo, plus I can't remember as much as I did then -- 18 April 2011)

It's been a long time since my last post and now it seems like I have no one to turn to yet again. I've been settling down in Singapore with my first job out of school. It's been a great opportunity to leave behind the bad memories back in Melbourne and I've been coping pretty well enjoying my new chapter in life.  I must admit that it's been difficult adjusting to a not-so-new-but-still-strangely-unfamiliar environment, with people who aren't used to me or my change in personality/lifestyle while I had been overseas. I miss Melbourne very much (especially the food and beer) but am not going to look back. I still need to work on my short term goals and life plan though.


In terms of love life, I tried dating around but nothing much had happened since I came back to Singapore (save for a fling with a younger guy).  Recently, though, there has been a new guy in my life. This is a man who has some business with my office and comes over to our firm on a pretty regular basis. While this news is supposed to be celebrated, I'm quite ashamed by it. I've been feeling super guilty and conflicted because he's married with a kid. Furthermore, he is a religious man and I'm afraid there will be potential conflicts with my views on life. He's also twice my age but I don't mind that (in fact it kinda turns me on, that he's so mature and still hot). I've never been through this experience before and I'm really quite scared.

November 2010:  sometimes when I smoke downstairs with or without my smoke buddy, he would like to join in and share his life experiences, some of which were really exciting lah. Like whenever we chat, time flies and we realise we talked for like 4 hours or something. 

December 2010 to February 2011 , I felt an attraction but had tried to be distant from him when he appeared too enthusiastic to see me and he sometimes comes to the office and hangs around for a chance to talk to me. And for 5 months my office keeps teasing him and me. He would like be really happy to run into me at court or at my office and once in a while he'll message funny messages. Think he's been trying to keep it at friendship level because of his family. 

3 weeks ago: he came by and we were both walking out of office and we had coffee. It seemed quite friendly lah and we ended up chatting like crazy for 6 hours. we once hung out at Orchard to help me pick out gifts for Diona and Lynn. When we were at the gift shop I sensed that he was actually into me cos he kept getting flustered and would rush to pick up anything I accidentally dropped onto the floor. I could see he was suppressing his feelings. again we kept chatting for like 6 hours. 

Monday (2 weeks ago): i was getting really stressed at work and I didn't like people gossiping about me and him. So I got really mad  when he played a prank on me that my bosses had told him something serious about me. I was panicking and wanted to know cos it's my job. When I found out it was a prank I lost my cool and told him that we couldn't hang out anymore when he wanted to accompany me to some music festival. He couldn't take it and kept apologising and explaining and then he told me he had feelings for me and had already told my bosses he was serious about me. I was so shocked and kept crying all night, feeling guilty and thinking whether I asked for it. 

Tuesday (2 weeks ago): he kept apologising. he msged my smoke buddy that he was so emotionally attracted to me and crazy about me and would do anything to reverse time and not hurt me etc etc. then suddenly he came into our office with a huge-ass bouquet of flowers and refused to take it away. i broke down in front of everyone saying i didn't want it and gave it to my smoke buddy to give it to his gf. smoke buddy sensed that i liked this guy. the director who was teasing him came to me and said that the guy was head over heels in love with me n thinks we r attached. i thot he was testing me so i said i'm not attached at all to anyone.

Wednesday (2 weeks ago): i felt like crap all day. i told him i wanted to end it but i couldn't stop crying. and he got upset when he found out i actually cared for him. he cried at work for the whole day. we met up and told our ends of the story. ended up holding hands.

Friday (2 weeks ago): people at work were getting kaypoh and i couldn't take it. told him i didnt wanna go on. just wanted to see him so badly. we were thinking of spending our last time hanging out. he came over to my place and we cuddled until dawn. we talked about everything. he kept talking about marriage and i said i don't think we could marry even if he was single because of his religion and stuff. we both got emo n slept. 

Saturday ( 2 weeks ago): drove him home early in the morning. his wife got upset with him. i told him to just work things out with her.

Monday (last week): i was getting a lot of shit from my colleagues and he was worried and accompanied me to dinner with my girl friend. 

Tuesday (last week): i had been feeling so guilty and stressed and made a big mistake at work. my boss was super angry and gave me a big one. i felt like quitting and was kinda suicidal. met him at night. we ended up talking at a pub and it was pretty nice. until he told me that he can't love me more than his wife. and i got a bit upset though i shouldn't have. and he said that if he told me that he loved me more than his wife, he's afraid i would tell him to divorce and he can't cos of his daughter. I told him that if he cannot love me more than his wife, then he should just treasure her and not taint the marriage. if he did love me more than his wife, then i would have some reason to stay (even though its wrong). 

Wednesday (last week): i was pissed with him. wouldn't talk to him. i messaged him that i was so sick of everything and i feel more alone than before i met him bcos pple at work were judging me. was a bit drunk also lah.

Thursday (last week): he broke down. he met my controversial director for a couple hours telling him about what happened between me and him and hoping that my director can help me out cos i was feeling so alienated n depressed. the director took me out in the afternoon away from work for a couple hours and he told me that he realised why my work performance was fluctuatin and would never judge me and the most beautiful love stories are usually the ones that break social conventions. he gave me advice about love and telling me that it's very hard to tell someone new that you love her more than your wife, just bcos of all the history and family and community issues. and the guy i like told my director that if he was single right now or if anything happened to his wife, he would marry me regardless of what my parents say or what his daughter says. i didn't talk to him and he was at clarke quay all night just sitting there and according to him, reminiscing. 

Friday (last week): we met up, went for chocolate fondue. sat on a bench and chatted for 5 hours and walked around for another few hours until we realised it was late and he walked me home and left. we were both like.. don't know what's gonna happen in the future.

Saturday (last weekend): had a fight with his wife. his daughter got super upset and this affected him.

Sunday (2 days ago): he switched off his phone and got depressed. wouldn't stop listening to "back to december". 

Yesterday: he messaged me saying his wife was thinking of divorce and needs time to think about it. i heard about what happened and freaked out and told him we have to keep it professional and he should fight for his wife. my work is getting better, back to normal, but i told him i think it's a good time for me to quit my job and just move on in life. he tried to get his friend to get me a similar job but i told him to leave me alone. deleted all our messages. 

Today: we have been quite professional today but our faces were damn black. It's so difficult.