Maze of thoughts

What am I doing? What am I supposed to do? Who should I listen to? Who should I believe in?

I'm really going nuts here..

I got back with the guy I mentioned in my previous post. I've been so happy ever since. I've been having wonderful days hanging out with him. I had an amazing time today, but I'm still bothered by so much negativity and criticism internally and externally. I feel like we share a lot. But this thing has no future. He will never make the effort for me. I am wasting my time. I don't know if I regret anything or not. But my best friend is right, I can't do flings. I'm really struggling with my feelings so hard, he probably doesn't know how much or doesn't really care. Life would be so much easier if he could be cold to me and leave me be. I don't know if I should end it again before I leave, rather than forget it when I leave. Cos then that would be a full-on fling, which I can't come to terms with. There are so many values I'm breaking just by being with him. I didn't sleep with guys without commitments. But I'm doing that now. I don't do playboys. I don't do feeling second best to every girl he checks out every minute. I don't like a relationship wondering if a guy is telling the truth. And yet, my heart trusts him. I don't understand.

The Korean guy keeps msging me how he wants to spend more time with me, but I'm like what the hell. He had his chance. I don't like feeling used.

My close friend M has been messaging me on MSN, being really upset with me going out with this older guy. I don't get it. He really looks down on me now. It hurts like crazy. He kept asking me about the guy I'm with. But what is there to say? I'm just a fling. And he starts telling me how stupid and cheap I am. I wanted to show a nice two-shot pic of us, but M said he never wants to see it. Why can't I share my life with one of my closest friends anymore? What am I really doing? Am I really cheapening myself? Fuck this.