Solitude or loneliness?

Haven't been updating over the last few weeks, but it's been pretty dramatic. Been hanging with friends, keeping busy. Went clubbing couple weeks ago, and told this Korean guy I liked him for four years already. And got so drunk, I blacked out and don't remember much. He stayed over but it was obvious it wasn't really gonna go anywhere. I got it off my chest though and don't have to think about it again.

I was so very drunk and pissed off my good friend F. It really upset me and S drove me around the next day to comfort me. Things are much better now, but I think she's moody and doesn't really wanna talk to me even though she told me before that she wanted to spend as much time together as possible. Sad. I feel bad.

All this time I didn't realise that this much older guy was creeping into my life. He talked to me on the phone regularly, listening to my crap. And then we went out on dates and got closer. He's hanging with my friends and before I knew it, we got really intimate. It was really hard but we've talked about how we shouldn't fall in love and shit. Last night when we were cuddling, I told him that it should be the last time we do this. I wouldn't get attached to him before I leave Melbourne that way. I don't really know if he's okay. He said he understands though. Who knows maybe he's relieved that there isn't any expectations anymore? Who knows, maybe I've just been on the losing end the whole time. It doesn't matter anyway. Get over it, right?

I feel like crap now. Got a cold and haven't eaten all day, just sleeping. I do wonder what he's doing but I know it's none of my business. I just keep telling myself, he's a playboy, and what we had doesn't mean a thing. I really miss my couch because it's the biggest constant throughout my life in Melbourne. When I'm feeling crap, I just lie there and feel safe. But I sold it already to this new guy. My house feels so empty since most of the furniture has gone. For the past two hours, I've been just sitting on the floor where my favourite spot on the couch used to be. Argh, my butt is all cramped out. Sigh.