I've just been surfing the net and read a case about Anand Jon Alexander, who was a small celebrity fashion designer in Hollywood. He would lure young, often underaged girls with promises of fame and support and sexually assault them. I was really curious about how the trial played out and checked out the testimonies of the girls. A lot of the girls had kept in touch with him, working closely for him and all the while looking as if everything was fine during the aftermath of their alleged rape. This was one of the defence's playing cards used to discredit their testimonies.
I'm not sure whether every single testimony was made in good faith. But medical experts have testified that in many cases, the girls do that as part of a traumatic response. When I read this part of the case, tears rolled down my cheeks instantly. It reminded me of the times I felt coerced by some guys and never understood why I kept in touch with them in a positive, adoring manner. I felt so fearful everytime I saw them, but each time I pushed my fear aside because my conduct had been totally contradictory.
Apparently this applies to emotionally abusive relationships as well, but I don't know how much it actually applies. I do remember feeling afraid that he would have an emotional outburst about 70% of the time though and from the beginning of the relationship I always thought that I had slowly changed to be more submissive and passive, while the guy's treatment grew more and more gross. I don't know but it doesn't matter. I hope I can really change this submissive behaviour because I don't want another guy to take advantage of me again. I know people who are used to abuse can attract abusers like a vicious cycle and I've found that happened one too many times with me.
I'm so afraid of getting into a relationship again because I'd rather die than go through the mad prison of being treated badly. Don't wanna be a wretch no more.
Since I've vomitted all that out. Okay, all said and done! Now stop thinking so much!
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